The contest is set up to receive feedback from other writers/participants instead of a panel of judges. I have included the comments i received below. (If you want to read the scene I submitted you can find it here - part one, part two.)
The first section below are the critiques from fellow writers. The last section is the results from a separate contest that I entered this piece of work in. The comments and marks are from judges.
1. not bad but can be improved
I love the way you approached this but for a woman's fiction you might want want to change it to third person. The present tense is also a hard sale, especially when it is not followed all of the time. I tried it before and it is still unsold.
Another point is the use of tags. for example, I ask is not needed in many cases.
I wish you luck with your writing my friend and hope to see this on the shelf at the book store one day soon.
This story will do good when fully developed properly and polished.
2. Great!!
i must confess that this in no way comes even close to what i read or write but it is exactly that fact which is so great about your piece.
when something you do not quite consider to be of liking to you personally still enthralls you that is nothing short of stunning and that is exactly what i felt the opening chapters were.
the best thing is the mystery you manage to create around Clare something that manages to intrigue me just as the protagonist. the protagonist is absolutely lovable and it is easy to relate with him as his behavior and interactions are quite realistic to say the least .
to cap it off i would like to wish you best of luck and when it gets published it will become the first book i read in this genre
3.
Generally, when I read present tense I often find it to be distracting. However, yours was so well done that I didn’t even realize it was written using present tense until halfway through the first chapter. I had to do a double take when it hit me.
Your descriptions and narration is engaging. You don’t clutter your writing with too much and leave enough unsaid so that the reader can use their own imagination as well. I also enjoyed the interaction between your characters.
However, I found it quite difficult to follow what was going on. I understand that at first, the mystery is what is meant to draw the reader in but I found myself slightly frustrated by the way the first mystery (of what had happened between Nate and Clare for her to scream at him) was answered.
Continuing on from that, I felt slightly out of sorts during the first chapter and it was hard to get through it because I really had no idea what was going on and just when I thought I had figured it out (that they were writers at some sort of writing retreat) something else was thrown into the pot and I was lost again (the filming). Perhaps it would be better to take a short break in the narration shortly after the introduction to explain things? As a reader, a very brief explanation would have been very much appreciated.
I like your colourful cast of characters but again, quickly found myself lost amongst all the names being introduced at once. I think by the end of the first chapter, the ones that stick out are Nate, Clare and Vicky and rest just felt like background noise.
You have a very engaging voice though and this story is full of potential. I wish you luck on your writing endeavours.
4. Daring idea
I thought the premise of the story was really interesting and quite daring - if you set up characters talking about what makes a good piece of fiction and what makes a bad piece of fiction it puts extra pressure on the work to deliver.
There were things i didn't understand about the story: If this is a new reality TV show then why is there nothing to film? If a company were to make a TV show about writers trapped in a big brother household they would contrive to come up with ways of creating some action and conflict among the group - otherwise you are just filming people sitting down writing (Maybe this is a later conceit/joke of the author).
I didn't like the central character, although I don't think i was supposed to. I didn't really understand where his arrogance came from and more crucially why he was interested in Clare. I wanted to know more about her strangeness and uniqueness; so far she just seems a bad writer who doesn't talk much, distrusts people and does the housework. I just wanted more from her.
A lot of the characters seem sketchily drawn which made it harder to care about what they did. It felt like we were getting a very slow reveal on the central guy and his motivations so maybe later on it becomes more real.
5.
The main idea has lots of potential. Stories labelled as women's fiction usually have good focus on the characters. here , however, some of the characters seem to be barley glanced at..even Clare did not sound real to me.
You gave attention to the details, but it was too much attention that it slowed the pace of the story in many spots. The plot seemed to meander around in a rather confusing way.
The dialogue done a good job as far as the exposition of data is concerned, but it felt cliched and unreal and didn't make me feel that I was listening to real people.
You need to get other opinions than mine,because this is not the type of story I would usually enjoy and maybe that has affected my judgement a little.
6. I want more!
This is a great story, very intriguing and great subject matter. I loved the breakfast scene that was set around the the table, it flowed perfectly, lovely succinct descriptions of the characters, a great method for setting the scene and introducing characters. I would love to read the rest of this story and find out what happens. Just a couple of things:
I thought there was a bit much repetition regarding Nate's feelings for Carol. This for me took up too much of the writing when I really wanted to know more about Carol and get a sense of what was going to happen to these characters. I also wanted to know more about the reality TV show and how / why this was going to work. I suspect all this information is revealed later, but I'm impatient!!
This sentence jars a bit, think because you're using both past and present tense - 'Discouraging her enthusiastic attraction was already a full time day job yesterday.'
He’s won many awards for his writing and I predict he’ll see his work in print soon. – I wondered at the kinds of awards he’d received if he hadn’t had anything published yet?
These are just minor points. For the most part I thought the pace of your story was spot on and I am itching to read more. Great work.
******
I made a few changes to this piece of fiction and hopefully I made it better. It was re-entered into a different contest February 2012 and these are the comments I have received from three judges (published authors).
1.
Category
|
Score
|
Comments
|
Hook
Is conflict described in a
compelling way? Does the narrative inspire the reader to want to read more?
|
9
|
Intrigue at the beginning
|
Storyline
Is the plotting clear and
understandable? How are the characters developed? Does the story engage the
reader?
|
10
|
Fast paced, characters developed quickly and smoothly
|
Writing
Mechanics
Are grammar and word choice
correct? Are there proofreading mistakes?
|
9
|
|
Voice
Are diction, tone, syntax,
word choice, and dialogue used to reveal the “writer’s personality” in the
story?
|
9
|
|
Overall
Score
How would you rate this
piece in general?
|
9.5
|
Suggestions for improvement:
Tighten up your grammar. Look forward to seeing this on Amazon
2.
Category
|
Score
|
Comments
|
Hook
Is
conflict described in a compelling way? Does the narrative inspire the reader
to want to read more?
|
6
|
Great descriptive words used. Would
suggest starting the story at the scream. Coffee spilling doesn't do enough
to demand my attention. Takes too long to get the reader interested in
continuing the story.
|
Storyline
Is
the plotting clear and understandable? How are the characters developed? Does
the story engage the reader?
|
7.5
|
Once I figured out the conflict, the
story was very engaging. Dialogue sounds very natural. Well thought out.
|
Writing
Mechanics
Are
grammar and word choice correct? Are there proofreading mistakes?
|
6
|
Not in standard manuscript format.
Line spacing should be double spaced, font Courier or New Courier, etc. Easy
to fix. Correct formatting is essential if you plan on querying agents.
|
Voice
Are
diction, tone, syntax, word choice, and dialogue used to reveal the “writer’s
personality” in the story?
|
7
|
Like the sharp contrast between
Nate's narcissism and Clare's politeness. Great job describing his
personality and demeanor. I think you could even be bolder in showing the
distinct differences between these two characters, which would add to the
tension between them as love interests.
|
Overall
Score
How
would you rate this piece in general?
|
6.5
|
Best wishes on your writing
endeavors!
|
Suggestions for improvement:
3.
Category
|
Score
|
Comments
|
Hook
Is conflict
described in a compelling way? Does the narrative inspire the reader to want
to read more?
|
7
|
The fact that it is in first person immediately
put me off (personal preference).
Until Clare calls the POV character Mr, I don’t know if this is a guy
or a gal speaking. I'm also confused
and not very interested. I'm not even
clear on what is actually going on for way too long.
|
Storyline
Is the
plotting clear and understandable? How are the characters developed? Does the
story engage the reader?
|
7
|
I'm not liking Nate. He comes off as a patronizing sexist
jerk. I'm not actually liking Clare
much either. She is coming off as
short-tempered and rude. And I'm
confused for way too long about what is going on in the story.
|
Writing
Mechanics
Are grammar
and word choice correct? Are there proofreading mistakes?
|
8
|
There are some missing commas and the track change
comments were left in.
|
Voice
Are diction,
tone, syntax, word choice, and dialogue used to reveal the “writer’s
personality” in the story?
|
7
|
I'm not feeling it. I apologize, but there is nothing I am
connecting with in this story. If you
want me to dislike the men in this story then you've succeeded, but I would
think you want me to like Nate despite his sexist tendencies so that I can
see why Clare might fall for him.
|
Overall
Score
How would
you rate this piece in general?
|
7.5
|
I don't care for anyone introduced so far, so I
don't care if they fall for each other or change. And I'm not clear what the story is about.
|
Suggestions
for improvement: I
need to know what the conflict is besides a misunderstanding of sleeping
arrangements. I need to like these
people first, so that when their flaws are exposed (like Nate's sexist-pig
attitude) maybe I can see why they have that flaw and not dislike them for
it. If I don’t like them, I have no
reason to root for them.
Also, I need to understand what is going on - why are these people gathered? This is not something to keep me
intrigued. It just confuses me.
