Finally ... A Happy New Year

I have started and deleted my new year's thoughts more times than I can count. If I continue to feel trapped by own thoughts it will be March before I utter my Happy New Year post to you.

So what brings me out of my own hand-crafted prision? A post I read this morning from Writer's Unboxed. If I hadn't read it I would still be stumbling around in the dark. Check out another (much more accomplished) writer's thoughts on getting stuck ... How to uncage your inner writer: Ask your inner pulitzer prize winner.

This last month has been a string of frustrating nights as I've stared at yet another unfinished manuscript that didn't lack story direction ... but lacked place. I guess the best way I could explain that is it isn't writer's block ... it's writer's stupidity. I know the story I just get too scared to write it. I have a whole computer file full of these now. Surely there is an award for most incomplete manuscripts somewhere??

The post I mentioned above spoke a bit to this all-too-familiar place I've been living in. She even titles it a prison, but hers looks like a college campus. (I could go a little Freud on that one.)  She talks about having the advice we need to catapault ourselves over the imaginary walls we sit behind already within ourselves.

Be yourself.

Isn't that one getting old yet?  I guess because we still haven't mastered the whole 'be who God created you to be not a cheap imitation of something or someone else' thing it will never get old.  Just be.

Just be.

I've repeated to myself over and over again hoping it will by some miracle stick to something inside of me. Just be.

Over the holidays I got a chance to attend a concert. Although that in and of itself is not unique I did something so "me" and yet something I'd never done before. I volunteered to help set up the concert - you know haul equipment, lights and instruments and hang up merchandise for the concert-goers.  It kinda was a flop in many ways yet I couldn't have felt more at peace.

No discredit to the bands, but the whole "help us out plea" was very disorganized. We stood, watched them set up and basically twiddled our thumbs more than anything else ... but we walked back stage, passed by musicians and stars and mingled in like we belonged. (Sort of).  By the end of the five hours of twiddling, my friend and I were more help to the custodial staff than the bands, but it felt great to just be there.

I was far too shy--er, I mean respectful to go prancing up to the stars and tell them I knew who they were but it was so cool to see them "just be".  They sat and face-timed loved ones, or plugged their ears with tunes or podcasts of some kind, they stretched out on chairs and "hung out". Some even stood marvelling at our majestic view of the mountains. But they all seemed tired, spent and maybe even lonesome for home. They were just being themselves. They were Normal. Average. Guys.

Now that is not breaking news to anyone - surely not someone of my age and maturity. However it was freeing. I could picture the whole scene - they sit in normal, regular homes and plunk out notes and rhythms on normal, regular instruments, pouring out on paper what God has created them to do. Sing and play.

Do they struggle with what people might think? I think so.

Do they cross their fingers and hope for applause and praise instead of being booed off the stage. I imagine so.

Do they ever wonder what in the world they are doing? Yup.

The lead singer of one of the bands poured his heart for us on how he struggled before the show - questioning and seeking clarity of what God's plan for him was. I was so impressed.

So what makes them travel hours in a bus, endure freezing cold winter temperatures (when they could be down in some place warmer like Tennessee), and face crowds night after night? Aside from the money (hehe) ... they do it because of a calling on their lives. A chance to live out what the Master has asked of them.

Ok, maybe I am being a little dramatic and still trapped within my own fairy tale, but this experience opened my eyes a little more. What am I doing in my little closet, plunking keys on my keyboard? What am I "wasting" hours on? Something I want or something God wants?

Is it something I was created to do; that without it I would not feel complete and at peace?

Am I just being? Or am I striving to be?

So my New Year's Resolution or My WORD(s) for 2014: Press on. I Press On ... all I need I will find in YOU!

Phillipians 3:13-15 ... Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

How about you?

Some profound advice from my friends at Building 429. A video from the lead singer on where the song comes from. Or just read the words for yourself. Enjoy!

         "Wrecking Ball (Press On)"   By Building 429

               (feat. Blanca Callahan of Group 1 Crew)

Sometimes this world starts breaking me down
I get so lost I think I’ll never be found
And there are moments of fear and doubt
Even the best fall to the ground

I am a mess, I am a wrecking ball
I must confess that I still don’t get it all
Lord I believe that all Your words are true
Doesn’t matter where I’m going if I’m going with You
I press on, I press on, I press on
When I still don’t get it

I see the world through my jaded eyes
I get frustrated when there is no Why
I put my focus on worthless things
Even the strong fall to their knees
God only knows what we all need

I am a mess, I am a wrecking ball

I must confess that I still don’t get it all
Lord I believe that all your words are true
Doesn’t matter where I’m going if I’m going with You
I press on, I press on, I press on
When I still don’t get it

Life goes on, life goes on
But Your love will prove
All I need, all I need
I will find in You
Life goes on, life goes on
But Your love will prove
All I need, all I need
I will find in You
I press on

I am a mess, I am a wrecking ball
I must confess that I still don’t get it all
Lord I believe that all Your words are true
Doesn’t matter where I’m going if I’m going with You
I press on, I press on
I press on, I press on
When I still don’t get it

Life goes on, life goes on
But Your love will prove
All I need, all I need
I will find in You
Life goes on, life goes on
But Your love will prove
All I need, all I need
I press on

Trust me ... I failed.

Did you make any New Year's resolutions?

If you did I must ask the question no one wants to answer.  Have you broken any yet?

You can shy away from the computer now, or click the now glaringly large X in the top corner of your screen ... or you can hear me say I have failed my only resolution ALREADY.

It is only the 8th day into the New Year.  That is only 192 hours I have lived in 2013.  How could I have failed it already?  Well for starters, I knew I would.  But I decided not to let that stop me from making it my new mission.

Last year at the beginning of 2012 I told you about adopting a word  instead of a bunch of resolution statements.  I did that last year. I chose ETERNAL. (You can read about it here.)  That's a good word, a well chosen word to challenge me and stretch me. However I discovered something along the way that is very telling about my own life and spiritual journey.

It is almost impossible to let the eternal mindset rule in your mind and heart when you don't trust what that eternity is.

There I said it.  Big sigh.  I have been a Christian for over twenty years, a Pastor's wife since 2001 and I had no idea that I never believed "it" in the areas that counted.  There are a lot of things I know and believe, such as:

Are there any answers out there?

I spent some of the weekend with my sister in law.  She shared with me the painful story of a dear friend of hers ... a young mother of two facing a horrific battle with cancer.  We both agreed that cancer is bad and we wish no one ever had to suffer from it, but it seems to be so much more devastating to be taking the life of a mother of two small children.

I know this woman's story is not unique.  We have another mom just like her that we are praying for in our own church.  I read blogs on the web from moms who are journalling their way through the pain. Why would God allow this to happen?

As I have been grappling with this the last two days I found my heart reminded of eternity.  I cannot place myself in this woman's shoes.  I cannot even imagine the heart-wrenching pain it is to be part of her family.  I  can't speak of such things because I have never lost anyone that close.  But I keep coming back to this question ... isn't death supposed to be the beginning?  Aren't we supposed to long for heaven?  

Please do not misinterpret me.  My intention is not to undermine any pain that comes with facing the end of a life, or facing the loss of a loved one.  This is simply the ramblings rolling in my mind.  This afternoon I heard a song on the radio that answered my questions.  It is called Where I Belong by Building 429.

I did some research on the song and the band and found this amazing devotional thought from the lead singer.  Check this out...

I realized that I live in the day - in the moment.  I know God is trying to teach me to live with an eternal perspective, but that is a very hard thing to do.  Can I truly say what this singer is saying? Is Jesus all I really want?  What about the mother having to look into the faces of her children and tell them she is dying?  Can she really say all she wants is Jesus?


So what are we do to now?