School is not out ... yet!

I feel like a student these days. God has been teaching my spirit so much lately that it mirrors my teenagers road to their final exams.
Cram it in.
Read it again.
Not sure I've got it down pat yet.
Oh, well ... here we go!

It all started with a snag in my spirit that rumbled just below the surface. And it has been there for many months now, or maybe even years. Part of it is my personality bent, part of it is my lack of confidence gained through experience but the hardest part to except is the portion that is God's chosen path for me.

There are three legs to this journey I am on and I will do my best to share them with you one at a time. Today I want to tell you about a movie I watched recently that wedged itself deep in between my heart and my soul. It is titled The Words. Some of you may be familiar with it as it was in theaters last September. You can find it in the movie stores now.

The story is about a writer (go figure!) who wants to be a successful author so bad. He has drive, determination and passion but he lacks ... talent.  The movie pulls you along a road the main character, Rory Jansen probably never imagined he'd take until he started to walk it. Please visit the trailer to be enticed and teased to watch it. But for now, all you need to know is that Rory sees the goal he wants, sees an open path to attain it and takes it without counting the FULL cost.

Sometimes in real life, and in fiction, people make foolish, selfish decisions they wish they could take back. Who would argue with that?

Yet, I am starting to see that sometimes the hard "cost" is actually the path we are meant to take. Now is where we all have a harder time swallowing.  Think back in your own life of a time when you had to endure something extremely hard in order to get to where you are now. Maybe it was a lay-off from a job you loved only to then be led to a better job. Or maybe it was a move? Or what if it was a death of a loved one? Or the death of a dream?

In the extra features on the DVD

I am a warrior. I am a conqueror.

I did not have to travel to Ireland, like Finley Sinclair of there you’ll find me  did.  Instead I found the grace of God’s words on my dry soul sitting my living room opening my Bible.  See, in Jenny B Jones’s newest novel the main character Finley, whose name means warrior, goes on a mission to rediscover the love of God she thought she lost after her brother’s unexpected death.

I can’t relate to that.  I haven’t lost anyone that close to me.  I also couldn’t relate to Finley’s eating disorder or perfectionist personality begging for control over the multitude of uncontrollables in her life.  However I can relate to her need to FEEL God’s love.  I can relate to wanting to tangibly touch and feel and know that the Almighty is okay with me, because to be honest I am a wreck inside.  And I often think that only Him and I know that.  So if I can’t seem to love me very much than either could He, right?

Do you ever feel that way?  Take my hand and let me lead you down a road that Jenny B Jones, her character Finley, and God took me on this week.

Let’s turn to Romans chapter eight.  This is where the key verse from the novel comes from.  Verse 37 to be exact.  

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”

First let me point out that even though the word ‘loved’ is a past tense verb, God’s love for us is not past tense.  I had often grappled with this – why is His love often written in the past tense.  I finally discovered why.  (To be honest I do not remember where I got this from, but it was when I was studying for my camp talks this summer.)  God’s act of love was sending His Son to die on the cross.  It was his 'once and for all time' stamp on our lives.  That action was past tense.  His love is forever and it is past, present and future.  When you see the past tense form of ‘love’ it is probably referring to the act of love that God bestowed upon us.  Christ.  On a cross.  For me.

How extravagant are you?

I am not supposed to be working on my blog right now.  I leave tomorrow for a summer bible camp where I am the speaker.  I am way behind on preparing and yet ... here I sit typing into my blog.  Don't tell my husband, please.

I could not let pass this thought in my head.  I am studying for the talks I will be giving and my spirit is reminded of His great love.

Not that I ever really forget His love for me, but I definitely forget to think upon it.  To ponder it.  To let it saturate my soul.  That is where I find myself tonight.

I have not had much time to prepare this post so I hope that it comes straight from my inner heart - my life line to the Savior. The bible lesson that corresponds to my second day at camp is the woman who poured out her love on Jesus from an alabaster jar.  The point I am driving home for the youngsters at camp is

Keep an eye on the storm.

I live in Sundre, Alberta.  A beautiful little haven nestled at the foot of the Rocky Mountains.  In fact if you drive west of my house you will not find anymore towns or cities you will only find wilderness and beauty.

I love where I live.  I have only been here three years but I hope to stay a very long time.

Yesterday we had a tornado touch down.

I have a funny - or not so funny tale to tell you.

I have had a very full and busy week.  Nearly every moment has been dictated by a never-ending to-do list.  At the top of that to-do list was a priority item that unfortunately needed a huge block of time.  A commodity that was in short supply this week.  So after lunch on Thursday I told my family I am barricading myself in my room and not coming our until my priority item was complete. And that is precisely what I did.

I ventured out only a few times for a drink or snack or a washroom break.  Oh, and a few trips to end squabbles and direct traffic with my three bored children.  On a couple of those trips out of my room I found my kids on the patio watching the incredible storm we were having.  The hail pounded on our home.  The rain beat against the windows.  Of course, the thunder and lightening gave an impressive show as well.  However I

Chapter eighteen, page three

I took a taxi back to Stacie's house, just as I promised.  It was very hard not to direct the driver to a certain apartment building where I might see a glimpse of Quinn.  

In fact, each day after that called to me to stop by the hospital or the bakery.  My heart wanted one more chance to see Quinn.  I decided to leave it up to God.  He could orchestrate a chance meeting anywhere and anytime.  My heart hoped He would.

My week with Stacie and Neale went so quickly.  I saw so many exhilarating sights around Paris.  Stacie loved my red dress until I wore it to her conservative church service.  It didn’t matter to me, though.  I felt beautiful in it.  Besides, I rationalized that God had shown it to me.  Therefore, he wasn't surprised to see me wear it - not even in His house.  The only people shocked were my sister and her husband.  A fresh, new beginning.

Stacie’s eyes filled with tears as we stood in line at the airport.  I was about to pass through the security gates and leave my sister behind .  Our time together was precious to me.  It surpassed all that I thought it would be. 

Only, that was not the hardest part for me.  I had clung to a small hope that somehow Quinn would find me.  The longing to make Paris all about him and I had been a low rumble in my heart each day.  I knew if I left Paris then I left Quinn behind. 

Sure I had prayed.  The Lord had probably grown tired of my requests to “bump” into Quinn at the market, the mall, or the restaurant.  Wherever I went, I made my wish known.  Today was no exception.  

Lord, please let Quinn be here.  Maybe he is flying somewhere, or he is picking a friend up or something.  I know you can do that Lord.  You can do anything.

However time ticked away.  The tick-tock blared in my ears as I sat in departures waiting.  The seconds loudly skittered past as I boarded the plane for Canada.  I searched each and every face that passed by me.  I checked every seat.  Soon the flight attendants closed the doors and began to prepare for takeoff.  My heart sank as the plane was slowly forced backwards.  My dream has ended.  I will head home to face my lonely life ... alone.

I determined myself not to sleep on this flight.  I read a magazine and then a book.  I watched the television and spent endless passages of time staring out into the cloud masses.  

It took several hours into the flight before I could bring myself to speak to God.  He let me down.  He gave me hope and then took it away.  My house would be too quiet after staying in Stacie’s home.  My solo life would be hollow after my exciting days with Quinn.  Even more hollow than it had been for three years.

As much as I wanted to feel angry with God,  I couldn't.  Buried somewhere deep within me was a seed.  One I planted into Quinn’s life that was probably meant for me.

Quinn is not yours to give up or hold on to.  He belongs to Me.  As soon as you can process that then the pain will dissipate.

***

Upon arriving in Montreal I found Mitch’s mother waiting for me at the luggage carousel.  She embraced me with her tall, full frame.

“How was your trip, Cathie?”

“Therapeutic.”

She looked at me with a curious look.  “That’s good ... I think.”  She squeezed my hand as we stood waiting for the suitcases to fall.  “So, I'm dying to now.  Did you meet anyone new?”

She was from the same camp as my sister.  Everyone - except God, seemed to think it was time for me to meet a new man.

“I met a man on the plane.  He was very friendly.”  I contemplated asking her if she knew Quinn, but I decided not to.

“You didn’t happen to make plans to see him again did you?”

“Evelyn!  I just met him on the plane.  I'm not that desperate.”

She started to scan the crowd.  “Which one is he?  What's he wearing?”

“It wasn't this flight.  I met him on the way to Paris.”

She looked deep into my eyes and I blinked in case she could see right through.  “God has a plan Sweetie.”

“I know.”  I sighed.  He has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me, apparently. He has a plan to turn my mourning into joy and my ashes into beauty.  I'm just waiting.